Onward

     “Take note of the fortified walls, and tour all the citadels, that you may describe them to future generations. For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and He will guide us until we die.” (Psalm 48:13-14 NLT) 

Recent weeks have given me a lot of things to chew on mentally. Days filled with doctor’s appointments, driving, sitting, praying, waiting, listening, staring at people who practice medicine for a living, still praying, crying, praying, being angry, being sad, praying, waiting. Lots of praying because I have a lot of questions. Like “how do I do this God?” I feel incapable of processing “is something wrong with me?” My brain is furry. All of the sudden I’m forgetting things- like words, or names and sometimes sentences just come out all wrong.. I don’t even realize it until the person I’m talking to has this confused look on their face or there is silence on the other end of the phone. It’s as if all this new information is tossed in and jumbled with the old so nothing really makes sense. 

Even when life feels confusing, my faith in God calls me to action, to keep moving onward. “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war. With the cross of Jesus going on before.”  I didn’t know when I learned that refrain at the age of 7 what it meant. Yet as I’m reminded of it I begin to move onward and I begin to feel stronger.  I wonder if this is how everyone experiences hard things.  Do other sojourners feel like their in quicksand or like they can’t breathe?  Do they forget to go to grocery store or check the mail?  Gracious people are at every turn reminding me that it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to not have the answers and it’s ok to forget someone’s invitation when you’re in this life fog of cancer.  I now with new eyes am experiencing what others before me have gone through. My appreciation for the fighter spirit of survivors is ignited and I hope we can be that for someone else. 

Experience tells us  there are many different things to do or say when someone is processing circumstances but I’m realizing the most profound way to gain strength truly is from my relationship with God. As I read recently I came across these words in Psalm 48 and it comforted me greatly. (Pardon my paraphrasing)

So I “will take note of the fortified walls (God’s Word, family, friends, the church), and tour all the citadels” (the times God has been a fortress, protecting me from heavy attacks..what an incredible word picture!) The armor of God is like a citadel for my life. It is my pleasure and purpose to tell future generations about God’s power and protection. To tell them what God is like. That even when our life seems upside down and inside out, awkward and downright difficult or confusing - Our God is with us. He knows the way we are going. What a comfort that is. What strength I draw from that. He is my Guide.”

Whichever side of the battle I’m on I have a choice to make and so do you.  Jesus has you in His grasp. 

100 percent

                                                             

What do you do when you have an empty well?  During those weeks when there seems to be no relief. The days when you wake up with the throbbing headache.  You’ve had several sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s problems and counting sheep availeth nothing. Personally, those are the days I find most difficult to keep moving. I imagine my warm bed with my Snoopy blanket and the cool mist humidifier whispering my name. Those cycles of no sleep or fitful sleep alternate with weeks of exhaustion.  That’s where I’m at today. I strangely had experienced weeks of not needing a nap, not feeling tired at night (sleeping only 5 hours) and still raring to go the next day.  Then boom! I have been really tired the past few days. I have completely hit a wall. Thinking is difficult. My brain is out of focus. Though I notice a pattern I haven’t figured out yet when this will overtake me.  Generally it hits me out of nowhere.  So I have learned some lessons along the way that help me combat what I will refer to as my “Jayme the Grouch” days.  

Now just to keep you in the loop on me- I am middle aged and menopausal so I’ve learned to allow myself some grace to get through this.  Thankfully the Preacher does too!  One of the ways I proceed with caution when my body and mind have a mind of their own is to keep myself to some sort of routine.  The best thing for me to do upon waking is to not stay in bed (even though I’m screaming tired) I choose to roll myself upright and put my feet on the floor right away.  Getting up early tells my brain it’s time to start moving.  I put on sweats and head to the kitchen to make some hot tea- fruity ones like blueberry or raspberry zinger are my favorites.  Having quiet time on the back deck in the early light of day, when its peaceful is something I started doing last year.   Today it was cold still (30 something degrees) so I sat at our kitchen table and hung my head. I decided to listen to scripture to try to focus on God’s word,  it barely starts and a million thoughts start running through my head. The devotional thoughts remind me today of the story of Nadab and Abihu from Lev. 10:1-2 and speaks about how the access to the Presence of God should never be taken for granted. Ouch. That is exactly what I was doing. Half listening half listing all the things I need to do.  I am convicted.  But this is what I need! I need this time.  Even if its 15 minutes.  I need to soak my mind in God’s Word. To thank Him for so many blessings.  Next I’m out the door as another practice I try to keep is a brisk walk in my surrounding neighborhood, usually 30 minutes, although I admit its been extra sporadic since the beginning of December. Getting fresh air makes a huge difference in my attitude. I’m always glad and feel better when I’m able to walk.

On work days my time is more limited but I still try to do these practices as it keeps me somewhat scheduled.  It gives me a false sense of control in my laugh (laugh). So today following my loved morning habits I quickly showered, dressed, packed my work bag and headed out the door. Somehow I managed to be one of the first one’s to work, WHEW! Then as I walked into my office I turned and was met by one of my coworkers who was weeping. She had received bad news the night before. I mean REALLY bad news. I tried to comfort her but felt at a loss for words.  During those situations I don’t want to extend a platitude. But I did ask her if I could pray with her. (God please use me)  A few minutes later as I sat down my cell buzzed...it was the Preacher- “truck messed up I’m at the shop again” then another message- asking for prayer for a trying circumstance of a new friend.  And literally in 15 minutes my well felt dry, my thoughts were racing and it occurred to me that I needed a Pepsi.  (That is not the answer at all- but it happens to be my go to most of the time) It was a momentary escape from dealing and provided that sweet shot of caffeine I thought I needed.  Unfortunately, I think my problem is that I want to have life always be perfect, smooth, and without struggle but guess what?? It’s not. It never will be on this side of heaven. 

Functioning at half full and far less than 100 percent has become a way of life for most of us. When we are tired (like I’ve been the past few days) or not taking time to sit before the Lord and listen- a quick “fix” is waiting right there to tempt us. Maybe your “fix” is shopping, or binge watching Netflix, drinking to relax or forget, spending an extra hour at the gym, or gambling and the rush it can bring, FOOD, posting an extra flattering selfie to get all the likes/loves and comments your self esteem craves, maybe its more detrimental to your overall heath like drugging or illicit sexual encounters.  Whatever it is that’s taking the place of Jesus in your life.  Whatever it is that keeps you from being 100% all in to your relationship with Him.  Remember God is still good even when life doesn’t feel good. May you seek to become accountable and discover the things that will keep your well from drying up. I have offered a few suggestions here that I hope will give you some ideas on ways to stay steadfast on your journey.  

The giant encouragement I hope you will get from this post is that we all have struggles and face trying days, but even when we aren’t at the top of our game we can overcome.  Sometimes it takes stopping and admitting to ourself, to God and to others that we don’t have it all together.  I hope you will join me in deciding “we” aren’t throwing in the towel but will make some good, positive habits that will sustain us through the tired days when “____________the Grouch has moved in wants to take over. Don’t let that side of you win. God is faithful. I will continue to believe.

Lineage

These rapidly changing and uncertain times lead people to ask questions; to take inventory of their lives.  I have to admit it has created a sense of urgency in my heart for my future, and that of my family and loved ones.  My mind starts spinning in contemplation.  How is my crew? Who is my anchor? When I trace the lineage of the past all the way up to today and where I am, where my family is, what do I stand for.  When do I stand in the gap to help others; lost and hurting people?

During this season of my life my prayer life has changed.  I find myself scouring devotionals and consuming scripture for encouragement (to share and to hold onto tightly), yet never feeling as though my duty is complete.  Yes I consider it my duty (and my honor) to bring my family and place them before our holy God and plead with Him to bless them.  I want to remind Him about them every day, my thoughts for them are continual. They are my crew, my clan, my tribe.  Webster defines it as a group of people associated together in a common activity or by common traits or interests.  My hope and dream for my crew is to be fully devoted to loving God, loving others and serving the world.  For any family unity to be evidenced there must remain a steadfast foundation; a mooring.  An anchor is a reliable or principal support; the chief force that is in charge.  In my entire life there has never been anything to compare to the steadfast hope of Jesus Christ.  I trust Him, He is the anchor of my soul.

As a learning and growing follower of Jesus I have hopes, dreams and an overarching concern for loved ones.  I never want to stop yearning for better, brighter and bolder lives.  I recently was able to  witness the confession and baptism of my youngest niece.  That is a hope fulfilled!  It's a dream come true for this believer.  She is the final life of the third generation to give her heart to Jesus! Wow!! Now that is something to celebrate!!  Currently there are 104 living members (this could change any day- a nephew and his wife are expecting their 5th child this month).  Our family is quite unique.  It's built from human brokenness that chose to live a life determined to work hard, dig deep and graft in those God has brought into this family. There isn't a picture perfect configuration but God has blessed us beyond what we deserve.  We are half's, steps, fosters, grafted- in and originals bonded by life and the wonderfully strange circumstances that intertwine our lives.  Trying to be part of each other's lives is a worthy cause; yet it has become exhausting.

I've tried to keep up with the lives of our extended relatives while celebrating our immediate family joys as I'm certain other kin of mine have done, and it is proving to be impossible to not somehow, some way, miss or forget a significant event or gathering of family.  For the preacher and I- our immediate family itself has 20 birthdays and 5 anniversary's.  The next layer includes grandparents that have now become great grandparents as the married third generation bears the fourth generation of this extensive tribe.

My work in prayer is becoming more and more obvious to my heart as I type these words.  Lord give me strength and again a renewed sense of urgency to bring these beautiful lives before Your throne.  I'm so thankful for all of the hard things that have brought me to a greater appreciation of God's plan and how blessed I am to see Him orchestrate all these things with His Sovereign Hand.  What to take from this... count your blessings.  Trust God with the struggles you face.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and behold the miracle of love He is bringing forth from your life and the lives of your precious loved ones.