Onward

     “Take note of the fortified walls, and tour all the citadels, that you may describe them to future generations. For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and He will guide us until we die.” (Psalm 48:13-14 NLT) 

Recent weeks have given me a lot of things to chew on mentally. Days filled with doctor’s appointments, driving, sitting, praying, waiting, listening, staring at people who practice medicine for a living, still praying, crying, praying, being angry, being sad, praying, waiting. Lots of praying because I have a lot of questions. Like “how do I do this God?” I feel incapable of processing “is something wrong with me?” My brain is furry. All of the sudden I’m forgetting things- like words, or names and sometimes sentences just come out all wrong.. I don’t even realize it until the person I’m talking to has this confused look on their face or there is silence on the other end of the phone. It’s as if all this new information is tossed in and jumbled with the old so nothing really makes sense. 

Even when life feels confusing, my faith in God calls me to action, to keep moving onward. “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war. With the cross of Jesus going on before.”  I didn’t know when I learned that refrain at the age of 7 what it meant. Yet as I’m reminded of it I begin to move onward and I begin to feel stronger.  I wonder if this is how everyone experiences hard things.  Do other sojourners feel like their in quicksand or like they can’t breathe?  Do they forget to go to grocery store or check the mail?  Gracious people are at every turn reminding me that it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to not have the answers and it’s ok to forget someone’s invitation when you’re in this life fog of cancer.  I now with new eyes am experiencing what others before me have gone through. My appreciation for the fighter spirit of survivors is ignited and I hope we can be that for someone else. 

Experience tells us  there are many different things to do or say when someone is processing circumstances but I’m realizing the most profound way to gain strength truly is from my relationship with God. As I read recently I came across these words in Psalm 48 and it comforted me greatly. (Pardon my paraphrasing)

So I “will take note of the fortified walls (God’s Word, family, friends, the church), and tour all the citadels” (the times God has been a fortress, protecting me from heavy attacks..what an incredible word picture!) The armor of God is like a citadel for my life. It is my pleasure and purpose to tell future generations about God’s power and protection. To tell them what God is like. That even when our life seems upside down and inside out, awkward and downright difficult or confusing - Our God is with us. He knows the way we are going. What a comfort that is. What strength I draw from that. He is my Guide.”

Whichever side of the battle I’m on I have a choice to make and so do you.  Jesus has you in His grasp. 

Confessions of a part time insomiac

 Recently I have felt the urge to write a few things again.  The thing that hinders me is that I usually get these mind boggling ideas when I’m in bed lying awake for 2-3 hours at night trying to fall asleep.  Remember what I said recently about being exhausted.. well this is probably one of the big reasons I get to that point.  I can be yawning early on around 8 pm and thinking I’m going to sleep great tonight!  So the wind down begins. I close my book, saunter to the kitchen for a bottle of water then it’s lights out and moving into my private domain. Side note- I have quite a process that I go through before “trying” to fall asleep.  It’s a little embarrassing.. I think I might be a high maintenance sleeper. 

First I check our nest for 67 degrees setting. Turn down the bed, place my water bottle strategically then into the bathroom for face washing, teeth brushing, etc. (initially I wrote out all the things I do but you don’t really care about my nighttime before bed habits so I deleted them) then I’m ready for bed.  Oh wait, fill up the cool mist humidifier because the Preacher has to have fan on year round and our bedroom seems to be airtight. By now my feet are cold which makes for an uncomfortable few minutes warming up once I’m under the covers, poor Preacher. Then chapstick and nasal gel for my always dry sinuses, pillow on the cold side and commence sleeping. Haha wring!  Within approximately 3 minutes my body temperature has adjusted and I’m now having a hot flash and have to throw the comforter off of my side of the bed.  Then I need water and fanning myself. The poor Preacher is used to it. I’m really grateful that he has a  sense of humor. Ok now it’s time to relax. 

With the lights out I begin to think about and pray for my family, all 20 bazillion of them, close guesstimate (Thank You God for the privilege of prayer, please bless by loved ones for the night and day ahead). I’m not telling you this to appear spiritual, because I’m not. I only know that when I was a young mom there were at least 2 people praying for me and our family every day and am convinced it is what helped us get through so many adjustments and truly just the flurry of every day life (God thank You for life with seven kids). I eventually doze off only to wake myself up snoring about 20 minutes later. Then is when the sleep battle begins. The thought train starts the clickety clack down the rails of my mind and I come up with all kinds of to do lists for our house,(God please help me be more content) for the garden I want to plant soon (Lord I do not have a green thumb but hose sunflowers were amazing last year, a repeat performance would be lovely)

and what can I sell on FB Marketplace to declutter our basement. (God I’m sorry we have too much stuff).  From there I am recalling conversations I had during the day where I said something I shouldn’t have (God please forgive my unruly tongue). Roll over, flip my pillow, breath slow, count sheep and try to fall asleep again, then laugh to myself as I’m reminded of the sweet, silly picture I received of a beloved grandchild today (God thank You for my grand babies). This pattern may continue for a few hours until I finally drop off into a pretty deep sleep that lasts til around 4 am when nature calls and I shuffle to the bathroom and return cold, wide awake and back to thinking all the thoughts. 

So maybe I will jot down some of the thoughts I’m thinking instead of just thinking them.  Then maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe..

Great Expectations

Expectations. All of us have them.  Good or bad it's part of realizing the outcome of any given situation.  To never have expectations or only have gReAt expectations is short sited.  All of us have to be realistic and know that there will be times when life is disappointing.  There is the day your kid didn't make the team.  Your daughter didn't get that part in the play that she tried out for.  You didn't get the job you were assured was yours at the end of the interview.  That dream you dreamt as a child has not come to fruition and your birthdays keep coming.  Ouch.  Reality.  Many times we want to get angry and someone or some thing that seems to stand in our way of what we perceive as happiness.  Ive been there.  I'm sure you have too.  

Do i let myself get SO busy that I am come to a new day, a struggle or a even a joy- unprepared? What I mean by this- is have I really spent one-on-one time with the One i claim to have given Lordship over my life?  Sadly, there are many days I have looked to people and things and dreams to fill my soul, instead of the only One capable of doing that.  Then when something turns sideways in my day I am not ready to stop, listen and pray.  My mind starts racing and my tongue starts lashing out and I'm not ready to be obedient.  I may comply but remain confused and angry because my motives are bowing to MY expectations.  What part do i play in allowing God to increase my faith giving me the ability to stand committed to obey?  

In looking at scripture there are 2 people I'd like to mention because they both had a great way of dealing with unmet/fragmented expectations.  In Genesis 22 God told Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.  I don't think Abraham was expecting this!! This was the son born to Abraham and Sarah in their old age and was the promised child that many nations would come from.  Abraham did not waver but took his son, bound him and prepared to sacrifice him.  WOW! What awe inspiring obedience Abraham had that he would do whatever God asked of him, even if he didn't understand.  He expected that God would provide a way.  When my expectation is that my life has to go a certain charted course I leave no room for what God has planned for me.   The book of Ruth also supplies ample examples of living in God's will and thriving when difficult things come and dreams are unfulfilled.  Ruth lost her husband, was childless and did not choose to go back to her hometown and family but stayed with a bitter mother-in-law that she would end up helping support financially. Im sure on her wedding day Ruth did not expect this to be her lot. YIKES! So what did she do?  Ruth changed her expectations for her current situation and moved ahead seeking God and what His will was thereby believing and raising her expectations of God and what He would do in her life.  She had learned (somehow... I really want to talk to her someday in heaven) that God was faithful and her trust was put in Him, not how life looked at the moment.  And bonus- she did NOT complain about it. 

Oh my I have a lot to learn still.  Changing my perspective so that it's broader than my little world.  I'm thankful that God doesn't quit on me, ignore me or leave me behind when I am weak and struggling.  He knows my heart. He knows I have expectations.  In response i need to be realistic in my outlook; understanding that when i obey and trust His plan it will far exceed my own expectations.