That day

 Walking up to the front desk I realized this could take lots of minutes. The room was full of masked faces. Is this really the world I live in now? As I move up one spot in line someone caught my attention and said “can I help you?” Anxious I walk up to the counter and ask if I can go to the room my husband is in. She inquires who I’m looking for.  I tell her the name and she leads me down a hallway to a room that holds my husband as well as the doctor, nurse and a med student. Dr Something-Something was mumbling about being proactive and that he believes blah, blah, blah, then yaddah, yadda, yadda and my vision narrows as he begins to explain what he thinks is the likely diagnosis of the enlarged lymph node on my best friends’ neck. He notices my expression and his dialogue becomes more upbeat and positive. (Does he recognize this look in my eyes?)

I look at the Preacher and he is listening and smiling with his eyes and nodding his head. Proclaiming that he is a fighter and understands when Dr So and So says “know that this will not be a sprint but a marathon.” To his credit the Preacher stays positive and shares that he has run marathons and understands what Dr Such and Such is telling us. 

I feel frozen in time. Tears burning the rims of my eyes I can’t even breath. He finished up his discourse regaling to us that he will be in Colorado with his kids and wife the next week or two so it’s likely his trusted nurse will call us with the “news”. What does that even mean? Does he realize how his comments make him sound like a pompous, affluent, out of touch jerk?  Okay so I’m a little testy at this point. When medically scary words get tossed around like confetti it’s like someone singing silly songs to someone who just lost their dog.

He shakes the Preacher’s hand, then mine and waltzes out the door. The nurse leads us to another room to make appointments. Ms. Doing-Stuff is tappity tapping away and asking the most mundane questions. It’s taking everything inside of me and the grace of God to not yell at the woman when she informs us that the Preacher has to be off blood thinners for 5 days prior to the biopsy... my brain exploded. I explain to her that no one has indicated anything like this in the 3 weeks leading up to this appointment. She looks pensive and the Preacher looks at me as of to say “It’s okay, I will be okay”. But I DON’T feel ok right now. The snails pace that they are handling this is frustrating me. I want to tell her if it was her family member she would understand. It’s like December and Covid all over again. Spinning wheels inside my head with so many questions. And no answers.

The timetable of the medical world and the insurance world is no respecter of men. She schedules the appointments and we rise and walk out. I try to stay calm. I want to warn all the masked faces peering at us, to get ready for a less than stellar visit with Dr Such and So. I don’t. I take the Preacher’s arm and keep walking. 

I swallow the tears and ask God to help me not fall apart on the one that needs me to be strong with him, for him. He smiles and tells me it’s going to be alright. He reminds me that all of us have numbered days and that he wants to enjoy all the ones God gives him. I know he’s right. I love him even more than I thought possible. I still want answers. We arrived in separate cars so we leave together, alone. 

Driving away I can hardly think. Right now I’m angry. For lots of reasons. Some of them understandable by anyone. Some of them known only to me. Time slows down. I go to Harp’s. Buy some things I don’t need. I can’t find the list I had. Madness, sadness, questions and overwhelming tiredness. 

It seems possible to surrender all of this to the Lord after some hours of quiet time and the prayers of family and friends. Decision made.’Not mine to carry. “His yoke is easy, His burden is light’.  Therein will I remain. 

Confessions of a part time insomiac

 Recently I have felt the urge to write a few things again.  The thing that hinders me is that I usually get these mind boggling ideas when I’m in bed lying awake for 2-3 hours at night trying to fall asleep.  Remember what I said recently about being exhausted.. well this is probably one of the big reasons I get to that point.  I can be yawning early on around 8 pm and thinking I’m going to sleep great tonight!  So the wind down begins. I close my book, saunter to the kitchen for a bottle of water then it’s lights out and moving into my private domain. Side note- I have quite a process that I go through before “trying” to fall asleep.  It’s a little embarrassing.. I think I might be a high maintenance sleeper. 

First I check our nest for 67 degrees setting. Turn down the bed, place my water bottle strategically then into the bathroom for face washing, teeth brushing, etc. (initially I wrote out all the things I do but you don’t really care about my nighttime before bed habits so I deleted them) then I’m ready for bed.  Oh wait, fill up the cool mist humidifier because the Preacher has to have fan on year round and our bedroom seems to be airtight. By now my feet are cold which makes for an uncomfortable few minutes warming up once I’m under the covers, poor Preacher. Then chapstick and nasal gel for my always dry sinuses, pillow on the cold side and commence sleeping. Haha wring!  Within approximately 3 minutes my body temperature has adjusted and I’m now having a hot flash and have to throw the comforter off of my side of the bed.  Then I need water and fanning myself. The poor Preacher is used to it. I’m really grateful that he has a  sense of humor. Ok now it’s time to relax. 

With the lights out I begin to think about and pray for my family, all 20 bazillion of them, close guesstimate (Thank You God for the privilege of prayer, please bless by loved ones for the night and day ahead). I’m not telling you this to appear spiritual, because I’m not. I only know that when I was a young mom there were at least 2 people praying for me and our family every day and am convinced it is what helped us get through so many adjustments and truly just the flurry of every day life (God thank You for life with seven kids). I eventually doze off only to wake myself up snoring about 20 minutes later. Then is when the sleep battle begins. The thought train starts the clickety clack down the rails of my mind and I come up with all kinds of to do lists for our house,(God please help me be more content) for the garden I want to plant soon (Lord I do not have a green thumb but hose sunflowers were amazing last year, a repeat performance would be lovely)

and what can I sell on FB Marketplace to declutter our basement. (God I’m sorry we have too much stuff).  From there I am recalling conversations I had during the day where I said something I shouldn’t have (God please forgive my unruly tongue). Roll over, flip my pillow, breath slow, count sheep and try to fall asleep again, then laugh to myself as I’m reminded of the sweet, silly picture I received of a beloved grandchild today (God thank You for my grand babies). This pattern may continue for a few hours until I finally drop off into a pretty deep sleep that lasts til around 4 am when nature calls and I shuffle to the bathroom and return cold, wide awake and back to thinking all the thoughts. 

So maybe I will jot down some of the thoughts I’m thinking instead of just thinking them.  Then maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe..

100 percent

                                                             

What do you do when you have an empty well?  During those weeks when there seems to be no relief. The days when you wake up with the throbbing headache.  You’ve had several sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s problems and counting sheep availeth nothing. Personally, those are the days I find most difficult to keep moving. I imagine my warm bed with my Snoopy blanket and the cool mist humidifier whispering my name. Those cycles of no sleep or fitful sleep alternate with weeks of exhaustion.  That’s where I’m at today. I strangely had experienced weeks of not needing a nap, not feeling tired at night (sleeping only 5 hours) and still raring to go the next day.  Then boom! I have been really tired the past few days. I have completely hit a wall. Thinking is difficult. My brain is out of focus. Though I notice a pattern I haven’t figured out yet when this will overtake me.  Generally it hits me out of nowhere.  So I have learned some lessons along the way that help me combat what I will refer to as my “Jayme the Grouch” days.  

Now just to keep you in the loop on me- I am middle aged and menopausal so I’ve learned to allow myself some grace to get through this.  Thankfully the Preacher does too!  One of the ways I proceed with caution when my body and mind have a mind of their own is to keep myself to some sort of routine.  The best thing for me to do upon waking is to not stay in bed (even though I’m screaming tired) I choose to roll myself upright and put my feet on the floor right away.  Getting up early tells my brain it’s time to start moving.  I put on sweats and head to the kitchen to make some hot tea- fruity ones like blueberry or raspberry zinger are my favorites.  Having quiet time on the back deck in the early light of day, when its peaceful is something I started doing last year.   Today it was cold still (30 something degrees) so I sat at our kitchen table and hung my head. I decided to listen to scripture to try to focus on God’s word,  it barely starts and a million thoughts start running through my head. The devotional thoughts remind me today of the story of Nadab and Abihu from Lev. 10:1-2 and speaks about how the access to the Presence of God should never be taken for granted. Ouch. That is exactly what I was doing. Half listening half listing all the things I need to do.  I am convicted.  But this is what I need! I need this time.  Even if its 15 minutes.  I need to soak my mind in God’s Word. To thank Him for so many blessings.  Next I’m out the door as another practice I try to keep is a brisk walk in my surrounding neighborhood, usually 30 minutes, although I admit its been extra sporadic since the beginning of December. Getting fresh air makes a huge difference in my attitude. I’m always glad and feel better when I’m able to walk.

On work days my time is more limited but I still try to do these practices as it keeps me somewhat scheduled.  It gives me a false sense of control in my laugh (laugh). So today following my loved morning habits I quickly showered, dressed, packed my work bag and headed out the door. Somehow I managed to be one of the first one’s to work, WHEW! Then as I walked into my office I turned and was met by one of my coworkers who was weeping. She had received bad news the night before. I mean REALLY bad news. I tried to comfort her but felt at a loss for words.  During those situations I don’t want to extend a platitude. But I did ask her if I could pray with her. (God please use me)  A few minutes later as I sat down my cell buzzed...it was the Preacher- “truck messed up I’m at the shop again” then another message- asking for prayer for a trying circumstance of a new friend.  And literally in 15 minutes my well felt dry, my thoughts were racing and it occurred to me that I needed a Pepsi.  (That is not the answer at all- but it happens to be my go to most of the time) It was a momentary escape from dealing and provided that sweet shot of caffeine I thought I needed.  Unfortunately, I think my problem is that I want to have life always be perfect, smooth, and without struggle but guess what?? It’s not. It never will be on this side of heaven. 

Functioning at half full and far less than 100 percent has become a way of life for most of us. When we are tired (like I’ve been the past few days) or not taking time to sit before the Lord and listen- a quick “fix” is waiting right there to tempt us. Maybe your “fix” is shopping, or binge watching Netflix, drinking to relax or forget, spending an extra hour at the gym, or gambling and the rush it can bring, FOOD, posting an extra flattering selfie to get all the likes/loves and comments your self esteem craves, maybe its more detrimental to your overall heath like drugging or illicit sexual encounters.  Whatever it is that’s taking the place of Jesus in your life.  Whatever it is that keeps you from being 100% all in to your relationship with Him.  Remember God is still good even when life doesn’t feel good. May you seek to become accountable and discover the things that will keep your well from drying up. I have offered a few suggestions here that I hope will give you some ideas on ways to stay steadfast on your journey.  

The giant encouragement I hope you will get from this post is that we all have struggles and face trying days, but even when we aren’t at the top of our game we can overcome.  Sometimes it takes stopping and admitting to ourself, to God and to others that we don’t have it all together.  I hope you will join me in deciding “we” aren’t throwing in the towel but will make some good, positive habits that will sustain us through the tired days when “____________the Grouch has moved in wants to take over. Don’t let that side of you win. God is faithful. I will continue to believe.