Confessions of a part time insomiac

 Recently I have felt the urge to write a few things again.  The thing that hinders me is that I usually get these mind boggling ideas when I’m in bed lying awake for 2-3 hours at night trying to fall asleep.  Remember what I said recently about being exhausted.. well this is probably one of the big reasons I get to that point.  I can be yawning early on around 8 pm and thinking I’m going to sleep great tonight!  So the wind down begins. I close my book, saunter to the kitchen for a bottle of water then it’s lights out and moving into my private domain. Side note- I have quite a process that I go through before “trying” to fall asleep.  It’s a little embarrassing.. I think I might be a high maintenance sleeper. 

First I check our nest for 67 degrees setting. Turn down the bed, place my water bottle strategically then into the bathroom for face washing, teeth brushing, etc. (initially I wrote out all the things I do but you don’t really care about my nighttime before bed habits so I deleted them) then I’m ready for bed.  Oh wait, fill up the cool mist humidifier because the Preacher has to have fan on year round and our bedroom seems to be airtight. By now my feet are cold which makes for an uncomfortable few minutes warming up once I’m under the covers, poor Preacher. Then chapstick and nasal gel for my always dry sinuses, pillow on the cold side and commence sleeping. Haha wring!  Within approximately 3 minutes my body temperature has adjusted and I’m now having a hot flash and have to throw the comforter off of my side of the bed.  Then I need water and fanning myself. The poor Preacher is used to it. I’m really grateful that he has a  sense of humor. Ok now it’s time to relax. 

With the lights out I begin to think about and pray for my family, all 20 bazillion of them, close guesstimate (Thank You God for the privilege of prayer, please bless by loved ones for the night and day ahead). I’m not telling you this to appear spiritual, because I’m not. I only know that when I was a young mom there were at least 2 people praying for me and our family every day and am convinced it is what helped us get through so many adjustments and truly just the flurry of every day life (God thank You for life with seven kids). I eventually doze off only to wake myself up snoring about 20 minutes later. Then is when the sleep battle begins. The thought train starts the clickety clack down the rails of my mind and I come up with all kinds of to do lists for our house,(God please help me be more content) for the garden I want to plant soon (Lord I do not have a green thumb but hose sunflowers were amazing last year, a repeat performance would be lovely)

and what can I sell on FB Marketplace to declutter our basement. (God I’m sorry we have too much stuff).  From there I am recalling conversations I had during the day where I said something I shouldn’t have (God please forgive my unruly tongue). Roll over, flip my pillow, breath slow, count sheep and try to fall asleep again, then laugh to myself as I’m reminded of the sweet, silly picture I received of a beloved grandchild today (God thank You for my grand babies). This pattern may continue for a few hours until I finally drop off into a pretty deep sleep that lasts til around 4 am when nature calls and I shuffle to the bathroom and return cold, wide awake and back to thinking all the thoughts. 

So maybe I will jot down some of the thoughts I’m thinking instead of just thinking them.  Then maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe..

Best comic ever

When the days seem grim, and these days often do, there is a short term remedy that can take your mind off of all the chaos in the world. (for a little while) Laughter is great medicine!!  So I love to read the funnies.  Peanuts and Charlie Brown has been my longtime favorite.  When the Sunday globe would arrive I couldn't wait to rifle through it and find the comic strips.  I love that Charlie Brown!  He never gives up.  As per the normal, things go bad and then get worse but good 'ole Chuck never stops trying.  He somehow looks beyond the past failures and chases that ultimate dream of landing the perfect boot to the football.  Always having that little glimmer of hope.  Even though, at this point ( 65 years since his debut on October 2, 1950 as a daily funny strip in 9 different newspapers), I have to wonder- will he ever succeed?  Through the years the Peanut's comic strip has  brought a lot of people laughter and encouragement.  Though Charles Schulz' motives weren't implicitly religious, his sarcasm and gritty, poignant honesty has inspired many to keep trying, to be like Charlie Brown and take that chance once more time.

Never Give Up!  There is something about always reaching for, yet never fully attaining that reminds me of my faith walk with Jesus Christ.  I know because of this worn, limited, very human "tent" I live in that I can never achieve perfection.  Never sinning again is virtually impossible- because I am not God.  This fact does not keep me from trying however.  Seeking God and looking for His answers to life questions. The questions about suffering.  The questions about pain and death.  The questions about how He made all of these extraordinary, beautiful places (like Maccu Piccu, The Virgin Islands and yes the Ozarks in Missouri in the fall).  The question of how He could love such an imperfect, flawed people such as the human race.  Inside of me there is a desire to know the Creator of all of this.  When I choose to hold on to hope that desire keeps burning on.

Recently my Favorite and I went to see "The Peanuts Movie" which opened on my birthday. After the lights went down the pre-show stuff started (and lasted 15 minutes - Ugh) finally I was delighted to see the beloved Peanut's characters just like I remembered them from childhood. Once again Charlie Brown struggled through the misfortunes of the "kite-eating tree', sports failure, a book report he worked diligently only to have it destroyed in a single moment, forgoing his own talent show debut so his little sister would not be made fun of and mistakenly winning an award because of a mix-up on a test.  So many struggles for Charlie Brown.  The integrity struggle was intense.  There was beauty to be found in these ashes though as Charlie made decisions to that made his character shine.  He helped someone else achieve success in flying a kite.  His baseball incident with Snoopy ushered in the arrival of his crush (and quickly his embarrassment was forgotten). Time and time again Charlie's kind actions captured the human spirit of the golden rule.  My heart was warmed and there may have been a tear in my eye as the movie ended and Charlie Brown took that famous scramble toward the football that Lucy was holding.  That guy just doesn't give up!!  It reminded me that there is always hope.  It reminded me that laughter is great medicine.

Great Expectations

Expectations. All of us have them.  Good or bad it's part of realizing the outcome of any given situation.  To never have expectations or only have gReAt expectations is short sited.  All of us have to be realistic and know that there will be times when life is disappointing.  There is the day your kid didn't make the team.  Your daughter didn't get that part in the play that she tried out for.  You didn't get the job you were assured was yours at the end of the interview.  That dream you dreamt as a child has not come to fruition and your birthdays keep coming.  Ouch.  Reality.  Many times we want to get angry and someone or some thing that seems to stand in our way of what we perceive as happiness.  Ive been there.  I'm sure you have too.  

Do i let myself get SO busy that I am come to a new day, a struggle or a even a joy- unprepared? What I mean by this- is have I really spent one-on-one time with the One i claim to have given Lordship over my life?  Sadly, there are many days I have looked to people and things and dreams to fill my soul, instead of the only One capable of doing that.  Then when something turns sideways in my day I am not ready to stop, listen and pray.  My mind starts racing and my tongue starts lashing out and I'm not ready to be obedient.  I may comply but remain confused and angry because my motives are bowing to MY expectations.  What part do i play in allowing God to increase my faith giving me the ability to stand committed to obey?  

In looking at scripture there are 2 people I'd like to mention because they both had a great way of dealing with unmet/fragmented expectations.  In Genesis 22 God told Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac.  I don't think Abraham was expecting this!! This was the son born to Abraham and Sarah in their old age and was the promised child that many nations would come from.  Abraham did not waver but took his son, bound him and prepared to sacrifice him.  WOW! What awe inspiring obedience Abraham had that he would do whatever God asked of him, even if he didn't understand.  He expected that God would provide a way.  When my expectation is that my life has to go a certain charted course I leave no room for what God has planned for me.   The book of Ruth also supplies ample examples of living in God's will and thriving when difficult things come and dreams are unfulfilled.  Ruth lost her husband, was childless and did not choose to go back to her hometown and family but stayed with a bitter mother-in-law that she would end up helping support financially. Im sure on her wedding day Ruth did not expect this to be her lot. YIKES! So what did she do?  Ruth changed her expectations for her current situation and moved ahead seeking God and what His will was thereby believing and raising her expectations of God and what He would do in her life.  She had learned (somehow... I really want to talk to her someday in heaven) that God was faithful and her trust was put in Him, not how life looked at the moment.  And bonus- she did NOT complain about it. 

Oh my I have a lot to learn still.  Changing my perspective so that it's broader than my little world.  I'm thankful that God doesn't quit on me, ignore me or leave me behind when I am weak and struggling.  He knows my heart. He knows I have expectations.  In response i need to be realistic in my outlook; understanding that when i obey and trust His plan it will far exceed my own expectations.

                                    

Another birthday

It's Wednesday, but Friday's coming.  The middle of work week. (hump day) Your school week has started the slide toward weekend.  Fall is here and November tells us another year is about to be crossed off of that enormous calendar on God's kitchen wall.  I've been thinking about this a lot more recently.   It's cliche to mention but the older I get... the faster time flies.  As I approach another birthday I can't help but wonder about this next season of life. Right here in the middle of my life it is sanguine joy (and nail biting)  to watch our children learning how to be married and how to be parents.  Then there is the bonus of getting to be a grandparent.  

Another advantage is The PrEaCher and I are able to spend time together like never before. To go on weekend getaways, take Sunday naps, and to eat out somewhere besides Cici's or McDonalds.  After all that's pretty hard to accomplish when you are busy raising seven kids and are insuring a home, nine humans, and 4 or 5 automobiles. Its a good thing to make your relationship a priority while the nest is still full.  

As Friday gets closer Im looking hard at season's past and trusting God as I hold close sweet memories of earlier days.  I am determined to live in the moments of now. Admittedly it seems like just yesterday that I was busy raising a family.  So where did the time go? 
"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14  We are not promised another day so I want to make the most of what I have left of this life.  I choose to live out the purpose God has for my life.  

It has been a wild beautiful ride.  And wow, it's hard for me to believe but my 30 year high school reunion is only months away.  However, there is no denying it when I look in the mirror and see how time has drawn its stories on my forehead and between my brows. Stories of love and hate. Stories of laughter and tears.  Stories of failure and redemption. 

I am grateful for all of them because I know God has used them all to weave tale of my life on His loom.  He isn't finished with me just yet because it's only Wednesday, but Friday is coming.