Gray skies and silver linings

 Another rainy day.  Preacher and I sipped our Juniper coffee were talking this morning and we talked about the weather this year.  I know it’s the age old thing that gets brought up when you don’t have anything to talk about with the person you end up sitting next to in the doctor’s office waiting room. But this 2021 weather seems like yet another one for the history books.  It smells a little like 2011 when all creation was groaning (well at least is was in southwest Missouri).  That year we saw unprecedented snow and ice that forced schools, businesses and life to shut down for weeks.  It hit rather early showing up on February 1st and dumping around 20 inches of snow.  I had never seen anything like it in my 43 years of life.  

When I was a kid we had a lot of winters with a lot of ice and snow where our pipes froze, we had no water, and would end up staying at my Grandma Black’s house for days.  Her house had 2 bedrooms, a tiny bathroom, and was heated with a gas stove. Oh how I loved her house! We would play dominoes or Chinese checkers and listen to her Marty Robbins record albums.  Grandma Black always seemed to have ice cream too! Her favorite was Neopolitan because you get your pick of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry all in the same dish. It made being stuck inside not so terrible. I miss her.

This year has indicated that it’s likely to be somewhat of a repeat of 10 years ago. We had some of the coldest temperatures on record in the whole Midwest. Businesses, schools and life was shut down around here for at least two weeks and it wasn’t corona virus related.  Since then the weather has been a roller coaster of one nice, sunny and awesome day or two followed quickly by plunging temperatures, snow, rain, ice pellets, and 2 late spring frosts - just your garden variety pick of forecasts. The temperatures remind me of Colorado- colder at night and in the early morning then warming up (maybe) to shorts and t-shirts, only to quickly change and leave you wishing you brought your fav sweatshirt or an umbrella.  As gray and cloudy as it’s been this week I pray there is nothing like the infamous 2011 EF 5 tornado that ripped through Joplin like a 50 foot giant splashing and kicking his way through a mud puddle that was 2.5 miles long. Destroying almost everything in its path. Twisting and gnarling mighty oaks, traffic lights, homes, automobiles and even chewing up the asphalt roads. Has it really been 10 years since 161 people lost their lives? 

As I look out my kitchen window I am reminded of God’s providence and protection (the silver lining)  no matter what we face. No I don’t want to go through that again, but I realize we have faced other difficult situations since then and even now. The earth is amazing. Creation is so creative and there is evidence of the goodness of God all around me. However wonderful it is though- it is not my home. So I will weather the weather and learn the rhythms of the seasons all while anxiously awaiting the return of my Savior. 

Onward

     “Take note of the fortified walls, and tour all the citadels, that you may describe them to future generations. For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and He will guide us until we die.” (Psalm 48:13-14 NLT) 

Recent weeks have given me a lot of things to chew on mentally. Days filled with doctor’s appointments, driving, sitting, praying, waiting, listening, staring at people who practice medicine for a living, still praying, crying, praying, being angry, being sad, praying, waiting. Lots of praying because I have a lot of questions. Like “how do I do this God?” I feel incapable of processing “is something wrong with me?” My brain is furry. All of the sudden I’m forgetting things- like words, or names and sometimes sentences just come out all wrong.. I don’t even realize it until the person I’m talking to has this confused look on their face or there is silence on the other end of the phone. It’s as if all this new information is tossed in and jumbled with the old so nothing really makes sense. 

Even when life feels confusing, my faith in God calls me to action, to keep moving onward. “Onward Christian soldiers, marching as to war. With the cross of Jesus going on before.”  I didn’t know when I learned that refrain at the age of 7 what it meant. Yet as I’m reminded of it I begin to move onward and I begin to feel stronger.  I wonder if this is how everyone experiences hard things.  Do other sojourners feel like their in quicksand or like they can’t breathe?  Do they forget to go to grocery store or check the mail?  Gracious people are at every turn reminding me that it’s ok to feel. It’s ok to not have the answers and it’s ok to forget someone’s invitation when you’re in this life fog of cancer.  I now with new eyes am experiencing what others before me have gone through. My appreciation for the fighter spirit of survivors is ignited and I hope we can be that for someone else. 

Experience tells us  there are many different things to do or say when someone is processing circumstances but I’m realizing the most profound way to gain strength truly is from my relationship with God. As I read recently I came across these words in Psalm 48 and it comforted me greatly. (Pardon my paraphrasing)

So I “will take note of the fortified walls (God’s Word, family, friends, the church), and tour all the citadels” (the times God has been a fortress, protecting me from heavy attacks..what an incredible word picture!) The armor of God is like a citadel for my life. It is my pleasure and purpose to tell future generations about God’s power and protection. To tell them what God is like. That even when our life seems upside down and inside out, awkward and downright difficult or confusing - Our God is with us. He knows the way we are going. What a comfort that is. What strength I draw from that. He is my Guide.”

Whichever side of the battle I’m on I have a choice to make and so do you.  Jesus has you in His grasp. 

Explore..

Oh the wonder of this world. The beauty of God’s creation. Today I noticed a cardinal fly right in front of our truck.  It was a day brightener. The Preacher and I had made a trip to the hills of Arkansas to see our newest grandchild.  Oh goodness what a treat that was. Oh the wonder of this creation. 

            

Some day he will be outdoors, barefoot and joining his sister chasing the chickens around the yard. But for now he slept peacefully in my arms.  His ruddy complexion, large blue eyes and the sweetest little cleft in his chin. I took out his tiny hands from the cuddle he was in and thanked God for the hands He gave my grandson and that He would use those hands for good and honorable purposes. Next I took a peak at his baby feet. Oh the wonder of this life. His mommy tells me that she noticed he has my toes.  I smiled and inside had this indescribable feeling that somehow part of me is part of him. When he peeked out of those big lids I was transported back to 27+ years ago when I looked into the eyes of my son.  This grandson of mine is the marvelous fusion of the love of two people and the grace of an awesome and generous God. Oh the wonder of commitment.  I lean and smell his baby smell, the newness of him.  My heart is about to explode with love as I hold him close and cherish this opportunity.  Time goes by so swiftly so I take a picture in my mind to tuck away and think of often. 

Sitting a few feet away is my son.  He’s reading Little Pilgrim’s Progress to his two and half year old daughter and she is completely engrossed in the story.  She is listening. He is animated. I am humbled and blessed to witness this holy scene. Oh the wonder of witnessing your child be a parent.  All too soon the chapter is over and my granddaughter is ready to be out in the sunshine so she heads for the door, puts her poppy pink crocs on and turns to see who else is going to join her.  That sweet smile is all it takes and her PopPop hops up and is already following her out to see her new chicks in the workshop.  When I look out the window a few minutes later he is pushing her around the driveway pad in her pink “fun buggy”. Oh the wonder of being a grandparent.

                                        

💚

Before we say goodbye this newly minted family of four gathers on the porch swing and I snap some photos of their grinning faces. Baby boy snoozing away, big sister proudly holding her baby brother’s hand, honey-sweet sleep deprived smiles of daddy and mommy.  The bliss of time standing still and capturing this Friday morning in April. Oh the wonder of family. We hug and say “see you soon, love you”.  As we drive down the dusty dirt road part of my heart left behind, I noticed a cardinal fly right in front of our truck and it lifted my spirits.  A reminder from the Lord that He is with our family no matter where we are.  It was a day brightener.  Oh the wonder of a God Who sees me and continues to show me His love. 

                                            

Confessions of a part time insomiac

 Recently I have felt the urge to write a few things again.  The thing that hinders me is that I usually get these mind boggling ideas when I’m in bed lying awake for 2-3 hours at night trying to fall asleep.  Remember what I said recently about being exhausted.. well this is probably one of the big reasons I get to that point.  I can be yawning early on around 8 pm and thinking I’m going to sleep great tonight!  So the wind down begins. I close my book, saunter to the kitchen for a bottle of water then it’s lights out and moving into my private domain. Side note- I have quite a process that I go through before “trying” to fall asleep.  It’s a little embarrassing.. I think I might be a high maintenance sleeper. 

First I check our nest for 67 degrees setting. Turn down the bed, place my water bottle strategically then into the bathroom for face washing, teeth brushing, etc. (initially I wrote out all the things I do but you don’t really care about my nighttime before bed habits so I deleted them) then I’m ready for bed.  Oh wait, fill up the cool mist humidifier because the Preacher has to have fan on year round and our bedroom seems to be airtight. By now my feet are cold which makes for an uncomfortable few minutes warming up once I’m under the covers, poor Preacher. Then chapstick and nasal gel for my always dry sinuses, pillow on the cold side and commence sleeping. Haha wring!  Within approximately 3 minutes my body temperature has adjusted and I’m now having a hot flash and have to throw the comforter off of my side of the bed.  Then I need water and fanning myself. The poor Preacher is used to it. I’m really grateful that he has a  sense of humor. Ok now it’s time to relax. 

With the lights out I begin to think about and pray for my family, all 20 bazillion of them, close guesstimate (Thank You God for the privilege of prayer, please bless by loved ones for the night and day ahead). I’m not telling you this to appear spiritual, because I’m not. I only know that when I was a young mom there were at least 2 people praying for me and our family every day and am convinced it is what helped us get through so many adjustments and truly just the flurry of every day life (God thank You for life with seven kids). I eventually doze off only to wake myself up snoring about 20 minutes later. Then is when the sleep battle begins. The thought train starts the clickety clack down the rails of my mind and I come up with all kinds of to do lists for our house,(God please help me be more content) for the garden I want to plant soon (Lord I do not have a green thumb but hose sunflowers were amazing last year, a repeat performance would be lovely)

and what can I sell on FB Marketplace to declutter our basement. (God I’m sorry we have too much stuff).  From there I am recalling conversations I had during the day where I said something I shouldn’t have (God please forgive my unruly tongue). Roll over, flip my pillow, breath slow, count sheep and try to fall asleep again, then laugh to myself as I’m reminded of the sweet, silly picture I received of a beloved grandchild today (God thank You for my grand babies). This pattern may continue for a few hours until I finally drop off into a pretty deep sleep that lasts til around 4 am when nature calls and I shuffle to the bathroom and return cold, wide awake and back to thinking all the thoughts. 

So maybe I will jot down some of the thoughts I’m thinking instead of just thinking them.  Then maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe..

100 percent

                                                             

What do you do when you have an empty well?  During those weeks when there seems to be no relief. The days when you wake up with the throbbing headache.  You’ve had several sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s problems and counting sheep availeth nothing. Personally, those are the days I find most difficult to keep moving. I imagine my warm bed with my Snoopy blanket and the cool mist humidifier whispering my name. Those cycles of no sleep or fitful sleep alternate with weeks of exhaustion.  That’s where I’m at today. I strangely had experienced weeks of not needing a nap, not feeling tired at night (sleeping only 5 hours) and still raring to go the next day.  Then boom! I have been really tired the past few days. I have completely hit a wall. Thinking is difficult. My brain is out of focus. Though I notice a pattern I haven’t figured out yet when this will overtake me.  Generally it hits me out of nowhere.  So I have learned some lessons along the way that help me combat what I will refer to as my “Jayme the Grouch” days.  

Now just to keep you in the loop on me- I am middle aged and menopausal so I’ve learned to allow myself some grace to get through this.  Thankfully the Preacher does too!  One of the ways I proceed with caution when my body and mind have a mind of their own is to keep myself to some sort of routine.  The best thing for me to do upon waking is to not stay in bed (even though I’m screaming tired) I choose to roll myself upright and put my feet on the floor right away.  Getting up early tells my brain it’s time to start moving.  I put on sweats and head to the kitchen to make some hot tea- fruity ones like blueberry or raspberry zinger are my favorites.  Having quiet time on the back deck in the early light of day, when its peaceful is something I started doing last year.   Today it was cold still (30 something degrees) so I sat at our kitchen table and hung my head. I decided to listen to scripture to try to focus on God’s word,  it barely starts and a million thoughts start running through my head. The devotional thoughts remind me today of the story of Nadab and Abihu from Lev. 10:1-2 and speaks about how the access to the Presence of God should never be taken for granted. Ouch. That is exactly what I was doing. Half listening half listing all the things I need to do.  I am convicted.  But this is what I need! I need this time.  Even if its 15 minutes.  I need to soak my mind in God’s Word. To thank Him for so many blessings.  Next I’m out the door as another practice I try to keep is a brisk walk in my surrounding neighborhood, usually 30 minutes, although I admit its been extra sporadic since the beginning of December. Getting fresh air makes a huge difference in my attitude. I’m always glad and feel better when I’m able to walk.

On work days my time is more limited but I still try to do these practices as it keeps me somewhat scheduled.  It gives me a false sense of control in my laugh (laugh). So today following my loved morning habits I quickly showered, dressed, packed my work bag and headed out the door. Somehow I managed to be one of the first one’s to work, WHEW! Then as I walked into my office I turned and was met by one of my coworkers who was weeping. She had received bad news the night before. I mean REALLY bad news. I tried to comfort her but felt at a loss for words.  During those situations I don’t want to extend a platitude. But I did ask her if I could pray with her. (God please use me)  A few minutes later as I sat down my cell buzzed...it was the Preacher- “truck messed up I’m at the shop again” then another message- asking for prayer for a trying circumstance of a new friend.  And literally in 15 minutes my well felt dry, my thoughts were racing and it occurred to me that I needed a Pepsi.  (That is not the answer at all- but it happens to be my go to most of the time) It was a momentary escape from dealing and provided that sweet shot of caffeine I thought I needed.  Unfortunately, I think my problem is that I want to have life always be perfect, smooth, and without struggle but guess what?? It’s not. It never will be on this side of heaven. 

Functioning at half full and far less than 100 percent has become a way of life for most of us. When we are tired (like I’ve been the past few days) or not taking time to sit before the Lord and listen- a quick “fix” is waiting right there to tempt us. Maybe your “fix” is shopping, or binge watching Netflix, drinking to relax or forget, spending an extra hour at the gym, or gambling and the rush it can bring, FOOD, posting an extra flattering selfie to get all the likes/loves and comments your self esteem craves, maybe its more detrimental to your overall heath like drugging or illicit sexual encounters.  Whatever it is that’s taking the place of Jesus in your life.  Whatever it is that keeps you from being 100% all in to your relationship with Him.  Remember God is still good even when life doesn’t feel good. May you seek to become accountable and discover the things that will keep your well from drying up. I have offered a few suggestions here that I hope will give you some ideas on ways to stay steadfast on your journey.  

The giant encouragement I hope you will get from this post is that we all have struggles and face trying days, but even when we aren’t at the top of our game we can overcome.  Sometimes it takes stopping and admitting to ourself, to God and to others that we don’t have it all together.  I hope you will join me in deciding “we” aren’t throwing in the towel but will make some good, positive habits that will sustain us through the tired days when “____________the Grouch has moved in wants to take over. Don’t let that side of you win. God is faithful. I will continue to believe.