Confessions of a part time insomiac

 Recently I have felt the urge to write a few things again.  The thing that hinders me is that I usually get these mind boggling ideas when I’m in bed lying awake for 2-3 hours at night trying to fall asleep.  Remember what I said recently about being exhausted.. well this is probably one of the big reasons I get to that point.  I can be yawning early on around 8 pm and thinking I’m going to sleep great tonight!  So the wind down begins. I close my book, saunter to the kitchen for a bottle of water then it’s lights out and moving into my private domain. Side note- I have quite a process that I go through before “trying” to fall asleep.  It’s a little embarrassing.. I think I might be a high maintenance sleeper. 

First I check our nest for 67 degrees setting. Turn down the bed, place my water bottle strategically then into the bathroom for face washing, teeth brushing, etc. (initially I wrote out all the things I do but you don’t really care about my nighttime before bed habits so I deleted them) then I’m ready for bed.  Oh wait, fill up the cool mist humidifier because the Preacher has to have fan on year round and our bedroom seems to be airtight. By now my feet are cold which makes for an uncomfortable few minutes warming up once I’m under the covers, poor Preacher. Then chapstick and nasal gel for my always dry sinuses, pillow on the cold side and commence sleeping. Haha wring!  Within approximately 3 minutes my body temperature has adjusted and I’m now having a hot flash and have to throw the comforter off of my side of the bed.  Then I need water and fanning myself. The poor Preacher is used to it. I’m really grateful that he has a  sense of humor. Ok now it’s time to relax. 

With the lights out I begin to think about and pray for my family, all 20 bazillion of them, close guesstimate (Thank You God for the privilege of prayer, please bless by loved ones for the night and day ahead). I’m not telling you this to appear spiritual, because I’m not. I only know that when I was a young mom there were at least 2 people praying for me and our family every day and am convinced it is what helped us get through so many adjustments and truly just the flurry of every day life (God thank You for life with seven kids). I eventually doze off only to wake myself up snoring about 20 minutes later. Then is when the sleep battle begins. The thought train starts the clickety clack down the rails of my mind and I come up with all kinds of to do lists for our house,(God please help me be more content) for the garden I want to plant soon (Lord I do not have a green thumb but hose sunflowers were amazing last year, a repeat performance would be lovely)

and what can I sell on FB Marketplace to declutter our basement. (God I’m sorry we have too much stuff).  From there I am recalling conversations I had during the day where I said something I shouldn’t have (God please forgive my unruly tongue). Roll over, flip my pillow, breath slow, count sheep and try to fall asleep again, then laugh to myself as I’m reminded of the sweet, silly picture I received of a beloved grandchild today (God thank You for my grand babies). This pattern may continue for a few hours until I finally drop off into a pretty deep sleep that lasts til around 4 am when nature calls and I shuffle to the bathroom and return cold, wide awake and back to thinking all the thoughts. 

So maybe I will jot down some of the thoughts I’m thinking instead of just thinking them.  Then maybe I will get some sleep. Maybe..

100 percent

                                                             

What do you do when you have an empty well?  During those weeks when there seems to be no relief. The days when you wake up with the throbbing headache.  You’ve had several sleepless nights trying to solve the world’s problems and counting sheep availeth nothing. Personally, those are the days I find most difficult to keep moving. I imagine my warm bed with my Snoopy blanket and the cool mist humidifier whispering my name. Those cycles of no sleep or fitful sleep alternate with weeks of exhaustion.  That’s where I’m at today. I strangely had experienced weeks of not needing a nap, not feeling tired at night (sleeping only 5 hours) and still raring to go the next day.  Then boom! I have been really tired the past few days. I have completely hit a wall. Thinking is difficult. My brain is out of focus. Though I notice a pattern I haven’t figured out yet when this will overtake me.  Generally it hits me out of nowhere.  So I have learned some lessons along the way that help me combat what I will refer to as my “Jayme the Grouch” days.  

Now just to keep you in the loop on me- I am middle aged and menopausal so I’ve learned to allow myself some grace to get through this.  Thankfully the Preacher does too!  One of the ways I proceed with caution when my body and mind have a mind of their own is to keep myself to some sort of routine.  The best thing for me to do upon waking is to not stay in bed (even though I’m screaming tired) I choose to roll myself upright and put my feet on the floor right away.  Getting up early tells my brain it’s time to start moving.  I put on sweats and head to the kitchen to make some hot tea- fruity ones like blueberry or raspberry zinger are my favorites.  Having quiet time on the back deck in the early light of day, when its peaceful is something I started doing last year.   Today it was cold still (30 something degrees) so I sat at our kitchen table and hung my head. I decided to listen to scripture to try to focus on God’s word,  it barely starts and a million thoughts start running through my head. The devotional thoughts remind me today of the story of Nadab and Abihu from Lev. 10:1-2 and speaks about how the access to the Presence of God should never be taken for granted. Ouch. That is exactly what I was doing. Half listening half listing all the things I need to do.  I am convicted.  But this is what I need! I need this time.  Even if its 15 minutes.  I need to soak my mind in God’s Word. To thank Him for so many blessings.  Next I’m out the door as another practice I try to keep is a brisk walk in my surrounding neighborhood, usually 30 minutes, although I admit its been extra sporadic since the beginning of December. Getting fresh air makes a huge difference in my attitude. I’m always glad and feel better when I’m able to walk.

On work days my time is more limited but I still try to do these practices as it keeps me somewhat scheduled.  It gives me a false sense of control in my laugh (laugh). So today following my loved morning habits I quickly showered, dressed, packed my work bag and headed out the door. Somehow I managed to be one of the first one’s to work, WHEW! Then as I walked into my office I turned and was met by one of my coworkers who was weeping. She had received bad news the night before. I mean REALLY bad news. I tried to comfort her but felt at a loss for words.  During those situations I don’t want to extend a platitude. But I did ask her if I could pray with her. (God please use me)  A few minutes later as I sat down my cell buzzed...it was the Preacher- “truck messed up I’m at the shop again” then another message- asking for prayer for a trying circumstance of a new friend.  And literally in 15 minutes my well felt dry, my thoughts were racing and it occurred to me that I needed a Pepsi.  (That is not the answer at all- but it happens to be my go to most of the time) It was a momentary escape from dealing and provided that sweet shot of caffeine I thought I needed.  Unfortunately, I think my problem is that I want to have life always be perfect, smooth, and without struggle but guess what?? It’s not. It never will be on this side of heaven. 

Functioning at half full and far less than 100 percent has become a way of life for most of us. When we are tired (like I’ve been the past few days) or not taking time to sit before the Lord and listen- a quick “fix” is waiting right there to tempt us. Maybe your “fix” is shopping, or binge watching Netflix, drinking to relax or forget, spending an extra hour at the gym, or gambling and the rush it can bring, FOOD, posting an extra flattering selfie to get all the likes/loves and comments your self esteem craves, maybe its more detrimental to your overall heath like drugging or illicit sexual encounters.  Whatever it is that’s taking the place of Jesus in your life.  Whatever it is that keeps you from being 100% all in to your relationship with Him.  Remember God is still good even when life doesn’t feel good. May you seek to become accountable and discover the things that will keep your well from drying up. I have offered a few suggestions here that I hope will give you some ideas on ways to stay steadfast on your journey.  

The giant encouragement I hope you will get from this post is that we all have struggles and face trying days, but even when we aren’t at the top of our game we can overcome.  Sometimes it takes stopping and admitting to ourself, to God and to others that we don’t have it all together.  I hope you will join me in deciding “we” aren’t throwing in the towel but will make some good, positive habits that will sustain us through the tired days when “____________the Grouch has moved in wants to take over. Don’t let that side of you win. God is faithful. I will continue to believe.

What’s next..

Long term. Short term. Career. Financial. Physical. Spiritual. When people start talking about goals my hands start to sweat. My heart racing as my brain runs the obsessive thought process of analyzing all the ways I can't or won't succeed at my goals. Usually when I set out to put a goal down on paper (not just rolling around in my head) I'm quite often drawn away from my focus by some other "important" tasks I need to take care of such as cleaning my house, doing laundry or going to the grocery store.  What is it that seemingly paralyzes me from taking that leap to risk and onward strain toward the completion of a goal or project? Have you been there too?

To begin with, I would have to say fear of failure (simply because of past experience) keeps me from actively setting and seeking to follow through on goals.  I know myself all to well to deny that I have a hard time keeping my focus.  Its true that I've begun reading at least 4 books this year, only to leave them half finished as I start another book that I probably won't finish either.  I always think I'll pick it up and finish it, but usually I don't.  Im really glad that God is NOT like me.  His Word promises He will finish what He starts  "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  Philippians 1:6

The next reason I shrink back from goal setting is I tend to be a little perfectionistic in my thinking. This does not mean that I’m anywhere near perfect- but I want my projects to look like what i see in a Midwest Living magazine or pinterest. That’s a problem when there are time constraints, limited skills and financial deficits. There is a hyper focus that must be present to complete something to my liking (I may need to lower my expectations).

Then I have a hard time narrowing down exactly what i want to accomplish and doing things in small bites of time, which would be quite productive if I would just DO IT!  It might have something to do with getting bored and losing my drive for completing something that causes me to lose interest and not finish what I started. Did I mention I won’t  even start a project because I know I won't finish it... Im starting to see a pattern here. 

Today I will set a small goal. 

There you have it! I finished this blog post I started writing more than thee years ago. Whew I feel so accomplished already.

And if our backs should ever be against the wall...

Divided we fall. Dis-unity. Hurt feelings. Hard feelings. Forgiving when it's not fair. Hard stuff. Human stuff. God forgive us for the way we fight You. For the way we devour each other. For the way we simply ignore those around us that are silently suffering. For the love! Can we not just get along?  That does not require us to agree, but mutually working at getting along goes a long way in building relationships that are fractured.  There are a wide variety of circumstances and experiences acquired growing up that certainly mold who we become.  Children seem to have this knack for telling it like it is, getting mad, crying about it, then forgiving and forgetting a day or so later. A lovely mixture of a bless-ed wounded soul that battles on and merges with our individual God-given personality and adult is born. For better or worse a "grown up" arrives.  

Reflecting a lot recently has brought me to share this journal excerpt. It is good to think back and remember, to ponder choices made and realize what has led me to who I am today. 

    

    What I've become is an accumulation of some fantastic childhood memories--playing Chinese jump                         rope at morning recess and completing all the tricks, riding bikes all over the little town my Grandma Black lived in and not having a care in the world, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (lots of jelly) at my Aunt Karen’s house and washing it down with cherry Kool-ade, going to my brother's baseball games and cheering as loud as I wanted, taking my little sister skating at the Carthage roller rink. Doing "gymnastics" on my dad's two best sawhorse's and thinking i was really something. Loving doing school work. Loving all the awesome recesses we had (3 a day) My favorite teacher- Mr. Bivens. He was the best! Later on kissing all the boys I wanted to and not dating them, going to the movies on Friday nights in Carthage, sneaking out with my best friend and egging a neighbor's mailbox (bad decision) staying all night with my cousin's and playing sardines until it was too dark to see and only going inside because we could smell chocolate chip cookies.   

    Then all of the not so great memories like being mocked because your last name rhymes really well with a potty word, long car rides home (20 -30 minutes used to seem really long) listening to crazy repetitious stories from Miss Wilson. (She was such a kind soul to give us rides to and from school.) Feeling like I didn’t fit in at parochial school. Missing my dad who worked construction out of state until I was in Highschool, climbing a tree in 5th grade that led to a fall, concussion and visit to the ER (the beginning of years of headaches), and two years later another tree incident.  Playing touch football at recess I ran smack dab into an enormous oak tree and ended up with a black eye - just in time for our Christmas program that I had a speaking part in. There were break ups, let downs and left out times. Making the all-star team three times, only to be the bench warmer.  I am also ashamed to admit that I quit halfway through a sports season in Highschool, I had my reasons then, but regret not sticking it out and finishing. Getting a degree but not enjoying the occupations it led to. Then later a failed marriage.  Some broken dreams. Lots of change. Lots of tears.

Oh yeah, where was I?  Disunity. Divided we fall. The bible has a lot to say about disunity. "He knew what they were thinking and told them, 'Every kingdom divided against itself is destroyed, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand'." Matthew 12:25  It is obvious that our Lord knew we would quarrel and argue about things.  He also knows our insides, our thoughts and motives. The reason I share the things of my past is twofold: (1) if you think you know someone- well, maybe you don't and (2) if there is ever a time to recognize that people have different backgrounds and circumstances that form who they are and who they become it is NOW. 

By the grace of God you and I can be forgiven, warts and all. It is a big challenge to see people, to have compassion or empathy for them and still disagree with them in kindness.  I do not have to agree with someone to get along with them or even to show them Jesus love.  When we can learn to be ourselves, stand side by side, and still work together we have accomplished a lot.  "And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" 1 Thessalonians 5:14-18.  One of the things I loved about my crazy, loud, rambunctious graduating class (CHS 1986) was that people could disagree and still be on each others side. Having a disagreement does not have to lead to disunity.  We become mentally flabby when we always concur with whomever we are talking to. As I stated earlier getting along does not require us to always agree. Fellowship is fostered by allowing others to have their own viewpoint without shaming, mocking or chastising them.  

May it be the effort of our community to care about one another enough to be honest, forthright, and in service to the Kingdom.  Could we also lay aside the undertaking of persuading others of something that is simply an opinion.  For the sake of unity. For standing together.  Because that is what will foster regard and harmony. Can we "see" each other without seeing through each other.  Unified in Christ.  "United we stand, divided we fall.  And if our backs should ever be against the wall, we'll be together, together- you and I."(Patrick Henry or Brotherhood of Man)

Lineage

These rapidly changing and uncertain times lead people to ask questions; to take inventory of their lives.  I have to admit it has created a sense of urgency in my heart for my future, and that of my family and loved ones.  My mind starts spinning in contemplation.  How is my crew? Who is my anchor? When I trace the lineage of the past all the way up to today and where I am, where my family is, what do I stand for.  When do I stand in the gap to help others; lost and hurting people?

During this season of my life my prayer life has changed.  I find myself scouring devotionals and consuming scripture for encouragement (to share and to hold onto tightly), yet never feeling as though my duty is complete.  Yes I consider it my duty (and my honor) to bring my family and place them before our holy God and plead with Him to bless them.  I want to remind Him about them every day, my thoughts for them are continual. They are my crew, my clan, my tribe.  Webster defines it as a group of people associated together in a common activity or by common traits or interests.  My hope and dream for my crew is to be fully devoted to loving God, loving others and serving the world.  For any family unity to be evidenced there must remain a steadfast foundation; a mooring.  An anchor is a reliable or principal support; the chief force that is in charge.  In my entire life there has never been anything to compare to the steadfast hope of Jesus Christ.  I trust Him, He is the anchor of my soul.

As a learning and growing follower of Jesus I have hopes, dreams and an overarching concern for loved ones.  I never want to stop yearning for better, brighter and bolder lives.  I recently was able to  witness the confession and baptism of my youngest niece.  That is a hope fulfilled!  It's a dream come true for this believer.  She is the final life of the third generation to give her heart to Jesus! Wow!! Now that is something to celebrate!!  Currently there are 104 living members (this could change any day- a nephew and his wife are expecting their 5th child this month).  Our family is quite unique.  It's built from human brokenness that chose to live a life determined to work hard, dig deep and graft in those God has brought into this family. There isn't a picture perfect configuration but God has blessed us beyond what we deserve.  We are half's, steps, fosters, grafted- in and originals bonded by life and the wonderfully strange circumstances that intertwine our lives.  Trying to be part of each other's lives is a worthy cause; yet it has become exhausting.

I've tried to keep up with the lives of our extended relatives while celebrating our immediate family joys as I'm certain other kin of mine have done, and it is proving to be impossible to not somehow, some way, miss or forget a significant event or gathering of family.  For the preacher and I- our immediate family itself has 20 birthdays and 5 anniversary's.  The next layer includes grandparents that have now become great grandparents as the married third generation bears the fourth generation of this extensive tribe.

My work in prayer is becoming more and more obvious to my heart as I type these words.  Lord give me strength and again a renewed sense of urgency to bring these beautiful lives before Your throne.  I'm so thankful for all of the hard things that have brought me to a greater appreciation of God's plan and how blessed I am to see Him orchestrate all these things with His Sovereign Hand.  What to take from this... count your blessings.  Trust God with the struggles you face.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and behold the miracle of love He is bringing forth from your life and the lives of your precious loved ones.

Best comic ever

When the days seem grim, and these days often do, there is a short term remedy that can take your mind off of all the chaos in the world. (for a little while) Laughter is great medicine!!  So I love to read the funnies.  Peanuts and Charlie Brown has been my longtime favorite.  When the Sunday globe would arrive I couldn't wait to rifle through it and find the comic strips.  I love that Charlie Brown!  He never gives up.  As per the normal, things go bad and then get worse but good 'ole Chuck never stops trying.  He somehow looks beyond the past failures and chases that ultimate dream of landing the perfect boot to the football.  Always having that little glimmer of hope.  Even though, at this point ( 65 years since his debut on October 2, 1950 as a daily funny strip in 9 different newspapers), I have to wonder- will he ever succeed?  Through the years the Peanut's comic strip has  brought a lot of people laughter and encouragement.  Though Charles Schulz' motives weren't implicitly religious, his sarcasm and gritty, poignant honesty has inspired many to keep trying, to be like Charlie Brown and take that chance once more time.

Never Give Up!  There is something about always reaching for, yet never fully attaining that reminds me of my faith walk with Jesus Christ.  I know because of this worn, limited, very human "tent" I live in that I can never achieve perfection.  Never sinning again is virtually impossible- because I am not God.  This fact does not keep me from trying however.  Seeking God and looking for His answers to life questions. The questions about suffering.  The questions about pain and death.  The questions about how He made all of these extraordinary, beautiful places (like Maccu Piccu, The Virgin Islands and yes the Ozarks in Missouri in the fall).  The question of how He could love such an imperfect, flawed people such as the human race.  Inside of me there is a desire to know the Creator of all of this.  When I choose to hold on to hope that desire keeps burning on.

Recently my Favorite and I went to see "The Peanuts Movie" which opened on my birthday. After the lights went down the pre-show stuff started (and lasted 15 minutes - Ugh) finally I was delighted to see the beloved Peanut's characters just like I remembered them from childhood. Once again Charlie Brown struggled through the misfortunes of the "kite-eating tree', sports failure, a book report he worked diligently only to have it destroyed in a single moment, forgoing his own talent show debut so his little sister would not be made fun of and mistakenly winning an award because of a mix-up on a test.  So many struggles for Charlie Brown.  The integrity struggle was intense.  There was beauty to be found in these ashes though as Charlie made decisions to that made his character shine.  He helped someone else achieve success in flying a kite.  His baseball incident with Snoopy ushered in the arrival of his crush (and quickly his embarrassment was forgotten). Time and time again Charlie's kind actions captured the human spirit of the golden rule.  My heart was warmed and there may have been a tear in my eye as the movie ended and Charlie Brown took that famous scramble toward the football that Lucy was holding.  That guy just doesn't give up!!  It reminded me that there is always hope.  It reminded me that laughter is great medicine.

My favorite time of year

Fall is a beautiful time of year.  In fact its been my favorite time of the year since I was a child and went to grade school at St. Ann's in Carthage, Mo.  Within a few weeks of school starting there was the arrival of a season change which brought more pleasant temperatures, beautiful multi-colored trees and loads of fun playing kickball, Chinese jump rope, freeze tag and even crack-the-whip (Here is how Wikipedia explains the game:

Crack the Whip is a simple outdoor children's game that involves physical coordination, and is usually played in small groups, either on grass or ice. One player, chosen as the "head" of the whip, runs (or skates) around in random directions, with subsequent players holding on to the hand of the previous player. The entire "tail" of the whip moves in those directions, but with much more force toward the end of the tail. The longer the tail, the more the forces act on the last player, and the tighter they have to hold on.

As the game progresses, and more players fall off, some of those who were previously located near the end of the tail and have fallen off can "move up" and be in a more secure position by grabbing onto the tail as it is moving, provided they can get back on before some of the others do. There is no objective to this game other than the enjoyment of the experience.)

Can you imagine the fun?  That was when students were allowed 3. Yes.Three. Recesses a day.  Okay that's not what this post is about so I'll save that for another time.  Fall meant sweatshirt/sweater weather and boots.  FOOTBALL!  The Maple Leaf Parade where friends and family still gather to watch 200+ bands and floats make the 1.5 mile trek to the Carthage Middle School.  I was blessed enough to live on that route for a short period of time and have front row seats to the parade twice.  The first time I had only lived at the corner of Grant and Chestnut for about 2 months, on that particular Saturday morning I had no idea what God had in store for my life.   

I remember the conversation that had recently taken place with a sweet friend of mine who was dying of cancer and how she encouraged me to keep seeking God assuring me of His love.  She was comforting me because I was brokenhearted from a divorce that was now final and overwhelmed by the difficulty of being a single parent.  It made no sense to me.  I asked God why?? Why was my friend, who had a husband that loved her and this beautiful brood of children, why was she so sick? They need her God.  This isn't fair...

Then I looked at my life,  my marriage was over and my children would be shuttled back and forth between 2 homes one weekday, every other weekend and every holiday for the rest of their childhood.  Why wasn't I the one dying of cancer.  God didn't answer my questions that day but I know He was listening.  He had sent this sweet friend and the promise found in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the planss I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prospert you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  It gave me hope to continue on in my struggle.  

On that particular Saturday morning in October it was crisp but a beautiful, sunny day.  My sweet friend felt well enough and came to my house to watch the Maple Leaf Parade.  It was my first weekend without my children and I had not slept all night.  It was an honor and blessing to have a guaranteed place where she and her family could watch the parade.  I wish I had pictures of that day.   I remember her saying some really funny things and we were all laughing.  I wish I had hugged her longer before they left that day. 

The next morning at church my sweet friend was there but did not play the piano (which she always did) and so I assumed she was not feeling well.  The following week was a blur but I remember vividly the phone call I received late Saturday night October 28th.  My mind could not comprehend what the person was saying to me. How could this be true? I had just seen her on Sunday morning. Triumphantly she took her last breath and went home to be with the Lord.  I will never forget her or the influence she had on my life.  Her shared wisdom has continued to help me.  God used her then to answer questions I have now.  He knows the plans He has for our lives.  He has given me hope and a future.

I'm still thankful for Fall and the changing seasons.  Grateful for the beautiful trees, the cooler air, football games and parades.  All of these remind me of the past- good things and hard things and how faithful God is in bringing a life story full circle.  My story. Your story.  His Story.  Fall is a beautiful time of year.